Butcher- Happy 55th Barbie!  Just found your picture on the AARP website, good to see you are a card carrying member with benefits.  

Baker: Oh my … that is exactly like mine... My Barbie that is.  Same swanky suit and all.  Wish I had it still... I would be rich.  Classy chick...  55 huh.  Plenty of years left in her.  Wondering what the  55 year old version is into.   Zumba... Sweating WITH the oldies....Bingo Barbie...  Bus trip Barbie......Perhaps the dream house is now an assisted living complete with nurse Skipper.  On the bright side... I just read Ken was birthed in 61, making him a few years younger.  THUS  Barbie was officially the first “Cougar.”  Who knew?  I could seriously see “Cougar Barbie” breaking some retail records.  After all, we were the first ones to play with her.    She could come full circle....imagine..  60 year olds sitting in around playing dress up with “Cougar Barbie.”    Just need a new Ken... thinking something on the order of Bradley Cooper would do.  Where’s Mattel when you need them?

Butcher:  Cougar Barbie----I knew you could go somewhere with a girl that was about your same age.  You grew up with Barbie!  I am amazed she made it through the sixties looking as good as she does today.  I would like to see a “Real to Life Barbie” and that Barbie would have all the wrinkles and saggage that comes with being 55.  Did Barbie ever have a mini van or did she always just have a convertible?

Baker: I would assume "the Babs" had NO minivans.  She, as far as I know, birthed no children.  Why do I assume that? No stretch mark Barbie ever hit the market, nor a preggo Barbie....though probably not a great demand for it.  Now about the wrinkles and saggage of 55........ are you trying to say something between the lines.  I resent that.  Though I don't have the money to be a Demi Moore version of me.... I know it is within me somewhere.  Though it didn't work so well for her .  She is still ODing on the Ashton thing..... I say there is always a new version of Ken somewhere. Old is as old does.  So cougar Barbie...........this one is beyond rich, with leopard print everything (symbolic of course).  Versions include: Botox Barbie, Lipo Barbie, Lap band barbie, Weight Watcher Barbie, Bingo Barbie, Rehab Barbie, Red Hat Barbie, Bus Trip Barbie, Divorced  Widowed and Single Barbie, Volunteer Barbie, and Walmart Greeter Barbie.  We 60 something's could have a Funtime during recreation hour.  She would have to come in varied measures, depending on what phase of "disfunction" or "obsession" she is in. The point is... We all need to play dress up, and dream castle, no matter how old we are.  Hmmmmm.  Wondering if Casket Barbie would ever sell.

BUTCHER- Diet Coke--- quite possibly the best invention ever....I need stock in the company, if only I could get it in an IV drip.   Remember TAB?  The stuff that burned your throat all the way down?  

Baker:  Oh yeah.. I remember it.  The grandmother of diet drinks.  I wonder if it is still out there somewhere.  Personally I liked the bottles.  Wondering how they came up with that name.  There is nothing remotely interesting or catchy about that name.  However... I remember back in high school.. going out in the dating world.... and there was nothing cooler than saying... “I’ll have a  Tab. “  Yeah.. it definitely sounds cool.  “ I drink Tab.”  Say it with us class.  Saying “I’ll have a diet coke” doesn’t have the right ring.    Tab.  Yeah.. that’s cool.    It makes a statement.    We need to bring it back.    Although... if you were in a bar … and said... “I will have a rum and Tab”.... definitely  loses something.  Tab drinkers need to stay out of bars.. and that’s that.

Butcher:  taB--totally artificial beverage- that is straight from Snopes!  No one drank the stuff because it tasted good, they just drank it for the STATUS of drinking it.  It is still available FRESH from the Coca Cola Company.  $6.99 for a six pack and then $20 shipping.  I tell you that stuff is liquid gold.  

Baker:  NO way!    You are telling me I can get a six pack of Tab for 26.99?
I suppose you can find Fresca out in someone’s warehouse also?

Butcher:  Fresca is still on local shelves.  Grapefruit diet drink, it was before mass marketing took over our world.  I am going to go and buy a 12 pack and sell it for 26.99 a 6 pack, I tell you this is my next get rich scheme.  


Baker: Well as long as were are gathering artifacts... Get some Grain Belt.

Butcher- You are aging yourself again my friend.  Oldest beer I know is Pabst Blue Ribbon.  

Baker : Stick with me sista... I can teach you things.

Butcher- I am a personal fan of Diet Coke with crushed ice from a fountain.  High carbonation= great admiration.

Baker: Nice ring to that. I will guarantee that the Tab and Fresca out there was bottled in the 70’s.

Butcher- The 70’s - the years of great freshness dating, even the 50’s didn’t have that.... look at you Baker.

Baker:  Yup bottled in the 70s’  I was....

Butcher- Able to drink from a brown bottle maybe.....bottled...NO.

Baker:  I don’t have an expiration date...............YET.. Give me a break. I leave when Tab and Fresca leave. Not until.  After all … Tab was thee most disgusting tasting drink ever bottled and it had fans.  There is hope for me.

Princess Di

Butcher:  Princess Diana was well before her time in so many aspects of her life, but seriously, I have to wonder....“What was she thinking?”

Baker :  She was thinking I just got me a castle. Some servants.... and the good life.  ( just don’t look behind you).  Is this what they mean by sugar daddy.

Butcher- She really liked the queen’s car, had to be what she fell for.  I mean really you think he talked to her at all?  Could you imagine a dinner at the palace?  I mean sitting around the table, huge place, big meal, and you could hear a pin drop.  I mean these people don’t talk a lot.   THIS MY FRIENDS IS WHAT EVERYONE SHOULD LOOK FOR IN A MOTHER IN LAW.

Baker:  Yup.. my husband has British genes... And I wish he didn’t talk.

Butcher- Bloody hell, I have met your husband....maybe it wasn’t the quiet she fell for.  Maybe it was the tea and crumpets.  I personally don’t care for hot tea, and never tried crumpets.....but honestly, give me a Diet Coke and chocolate everyday at 3:00 and I could love a lot of things, and a little time to jabber with some friends everyday, I think I have started a new idea here in America!  Leave it to me to change the world.


Baker:  Nope I have decided it is none of those.  Just another example of young and stupid and thinking she found her prince.  Oh wait a minute.... She did.  Well damn.  So much for happy endings.  Sometimes when you kiss a frog... it is just kissing a frog.

Whats for Dinner?

Butcher:  That is my quote for this picture.  WHAT IS FOR DINNER?   Seriously you are sitting around all dressed up in a chair holding a chicken, what else could you be thinking about?

Baker:  Is the chicken thinking “what’s for dinner?”  I only ask because the look on her face makes me think... she ain’t thinking of anything... anything I could relate to anyway.

Butcher:  This is me everyday thinking “What am I going to make with this chicken tonight?” I mean to tell you there is nothing better than sitting down to a meal and hearing someone say, “I am not eating that.”  

Baker:  You are making this way too complicated. I think that there must be a way to make “meth” with a chicken.  What other reason is there for a look like that?  Proof:  The hair looks like a rough night and there is only one reason a chicken would sit still like that:  Stoned... probably on oyster shells.  Yup.... Meth lab right there. Bust em.

Butcher:  Maybe she was trying to make chickens more accepted....you know everyone has a dog, a cat, I mean there are even people that have reptiles and bunnies for pets, why not a chicken.  THAT IS IT, she is working for EQUAL rights for CHICKENS.  We will be seeing commercials on TV and have sad pictures of featherless chickens looking at us from small cages with cracked eggs in the background.  I can see it now.

Baker:  Hmmmm.  Lost cause... Chickens will only be accepted when they are babies.. cute fuzzy babies.  Otherwise, sorry, chickens are screwed …. they will never gain acceptance. There is nothing cuddly about a chicken.  IN FACT... if it weren’t for eggs... there would be no chickens.  We like chicken fruit, not chickens.  There would be capital punishment for being a chicken.. if they didn’t give us chicken fruit.  Makes me wonder what roosters are for though, because technically they are responsible for destroying chicken fruit.    I am still thinking meth lab..... after all have you EVER been in a chicken house... Toxic.... METH in beginning phase.  Seriously.  The chicken is a Meth Lord.. dealing.... the girl is hooked. End of story.

Butcher:  So need I come up with the ongoing question, “Which came first the chicken or the egg?”

Baker:  One more frightening thought..... if this is true... we have a lot chicken lords out there dealing chicken meth.  Your eggs are laced.  Glad you have something new to worry about.  But the good news is we now know the truth about eggs.  Eggs are bad!

Therapy Session 1: Therapy Free, Advice Priceless:

Welcome our expert Candlestick Maker- She is brought in for extra guidance for the MALE topics....our Candlestick Maker’s motto is,  “Don’t think you are special because you hate your husband.”  I think she could write a book on that topic!  

Baker:  My husband isn’t speaking to me... should I be concerned?

Butcher:  No I would go to my husband’s state of mind here which is “Hot Damn, she’s not talking, therefore I can do MORE of what I want to do.”  I would consider this a vacation.  Don’t you love man thinking?  Seriously, you are mad so now I am mad also.  Sometimes when you are of the superior chromosome makeup, you have to think lower and begin thinking like them......

CSM:  So, husband not talking to you.  Tell me where to sign up! Really don’t worry about it.  Sooner or later their penis will start doing the thinking and then they’ll talk to you again.

Butcher:  They always know you when it is THEIR idea. I would pray for the silent treatment!  Seriously, if I could go through a few days without HIS comments about stuff that really doesn’t matter, I could get so many things accomplished.  Seriously.....how much does the Y chromosome slow down WOMAN thinking?  

CSM:  This is so my topic!  I’m kind of thinking I like my CSM handle.  Isn’t that something kinky?

Butcher-  Customer service ?? Isn’t it?  I don’t want to know what you are doing for your customer service at home!  

CSM:  Just intense therapy.

Butcher-  Did we mention the Candlestick maker is the kinky one also?  

CSM:  Yeah, you know my life.  Nothing but knots in this rope!

Butcher:  The best I have going is Shades of Grey.  

CSM:  Oh, good point.  You are so much more advanced than I am.

Baker:  Hey, back to therapy.  So far what I am getting.. I should be thankful.... and he is on a vacation on my dime. So you are telling me he is having a good time with this. THAT makes me livid.  HOWEVER,  I got to admit I enjoy the peace.  So if he is happy and enjoying this... I probably need to A) Enjoy this myself, maybe go on vacation in my own head... or B) Not let him have a free lunch here and really get his goat by telling him I am going to paint something and watch him go into orbit.  My last trick was to hide his coasters and he was like a mouse that lost his cheese.  Am I bipolar?  

Butcher-  No you are crazy, he is bipolar.  

CSM:  The BEST thing to do is act like you like the silent treatment.  It will drive him even crazier.  You might even call the kids or the Butcher or CSM and have your daily conversations with them instead of him so that he knows he can be replaced by any listening ear.  Just give him back what he’s giving you and let him know 2 can play his game. 

Welcome to the Butcher and the Baker... and the assorted ramblings of a candlestick maker.  We here for the sole purpose to entertain ourselves, and give you our viewpoints on the world, because let’s face it folks, our viewpoints matter!  

The Butcher:  We have shot off ideas off each other saying for years we should write a book, a column something......well here it goes folks.   The gate is open and I am sure you are dying to hear my point of view.


The Baker:  And if you were smart... you would take one look at that open gate and run now... because as one who has listened to the ramblings of the butcher for this many years....  they should come with warning labels and ipecac.  

The Butcher:   You just want to fight with me don’t you?  Yep folks you can already see where this is heading.  But, we needed a starting point, so hence the dog picture.  I, my friends am that person in the background yelling obscenities at the dog that has just ran off from my loving care.   I like to punish my dog with the attention of my kids.  There is nothing like watching my dog get  squeezed to death by my 5 year old.  Or letting the 8 year old style his hair.  I am telling you he looks good in pink ribbons.   I tell you that is repayment for the stash you left in my bedroom this morning, that the five year old stepped in and then had to have her third bath of the day.  

The Baker:  As you can tell, there are many things out of control in the butcher’s life.  The dog is just one of many symptoms.


The Butcher: Let me give you a little background about my friends the Baker.  The baker is going to send you down the path of rethinking your life’s goals and making you go to your HAPPY place in life, and I, I my friends, just say it as it merely is.  None of these get in touch with yourself emotions that you don’t want to have with me......nope just brutally honest here folks.  


The Baker:  Speaking of “rethinking your life’s goals”........ The stash is symbolic. The dog is telling you something... listen.  Does he need to draw it out?

The Butcher:  The hardest part of this whole gig is letting the Baker get the last word....
so for now sit back and enjoy the ride, of the Butcher, the Baker and sometimes an assorted candlestick maker.  Welcome to the craziness.